Commitment to a marriage or partnership is important, and with that commitment sexual fidelity holds a vital place. Researcher T.W. Smith reported that 90% of the American general public believe that it is wrong for a married person to have sex with another person. This is stated in "Attitudes Toward Sexual Permissiveness: Trends, Correlates, and Behavioral Connections" in Sexuality Across the Life Course (University of Chicago Press, 1994).
Infidelity causes people to run from relationships because the trusted commitment is broken. In homes across America men and women leave or ask the other one to leave when the truth is discovered, such as with Sandra Bullock.
Bullock walks off the Academy's stage with her Oscar and walks into information which leads her to believe that her husband is being unfaithful.
In the November 1, 2009 issue of Parade Magazine, Bullock said of her relationship with Jesse James, "I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but he committed for the long haul.” Unfortunately, James' long haul only lasted for a few years, rather than for a lifetime, instead it seems he chose infidelity rather than commitment.
Why Do Men and Women Cheat
Infidelity in a relationship happens for a number of reasons:
- There is a physical and emotional rush that happens during the affair.
- An idea or literal control over the spouse or partner, as well as with the cheatee. The cheater controls the situation at home and with the lover and that gives him/her a feeling of empowerment.
- Superiority is established in the cheater's mind because he/she is getting away with this, and the "dumb" spouse/partner will never discover the infidelity.
- Bad character, morals, or disregard of the human lives that will be displaced due to the indiscretions.
- Rationalization occurs such as, "It's not that bad", "No one will know" or "What isn't known doesn't hurt anyone."
Ways to Guard Against Cheating
Judith Treas and Dierdre Giesen conducted a study – "Sexual Infidelity Among Married and Cohabiting Americans, 62:1, 2000" – about cheating spouses and partners and reported their findings in the Journal of Marriage and Family. Their study found that there are several ways to guard against cheating:
- Don't lead separate lives, instead be involved with each partner's co-workers and familiarize each other with the work routine and schedule travel-related work together or take the minimal number of separate trips.
- Stop any ideology of one person being more important than the other or blatant inequities in the marriage. Allow each partner to hold the same respect and honor as the other.
- Unhappy people are more likely to have affairs, so take an inventory periodically together to see how the other person feels about the relationship and communicate any dissatisfaction openly and honestly. Instead of defensive responses, listen and come up with solutions of how to make the situation better.
- Couples who are involved together in a religious community were less likely to have extramarital affairs.
These are only a few ways for couples to guard against cheating. In their study, Treas and Giesen found that in a review of clinical and research studies, a total of 31 reasons for extramarital relations were identified with most falling under the categories of sex, emotional intimacy, love, and ego bolstering.
Communication Between Partners is Key to Preventing Cheating
Although 31 reasons for cheating pile up against fidelity in partnerships, communication between the partners serves to alleviate many of these potential relationship killers.
In Elizabeth Gilbert's book Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage (Penguin Group, 2010), she writes how important communication is in marriage. She says that if people find that they are sharing something intimate with another person that historically they would have shared with their partner first, then this is usually a first sign of trouble within the marriage or partnership.
Gilbert emphasizes that emotional affairs usually occur before sexual infidelity and that if someone finds that he is sharing these intimate details, then talk with the spouse or partner about it by saying, "I'm finding that I am sharing intimate details with Cindy that I used to share only with you." Although this would be a difficult conversation, the communication and honesty could go a long way in preventing the sexual infidelity that is so hard to forgive and forget in a marriage.
Additional Resources and Information
Creative Gifts for the One You Love
Marriage Communication Checklist
Paula Wilder - Paula is a freelance writer and speaker. She also teaches developmental reading and English at Guilford Technical Community College. She ...
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